In the midst of failure, it’s not always easy to see God’s purposes…
About four years ago, I was in a set routine. I had already experienced life as an engineer for a Fortune 500, as well as life as a high school math teacher for everything from pre-calculus to lower level math (with students coming in from probation or alternative school). I had finally settled into a less intense lifestyle working as a part-time middle school math teacher at a private school. I had always sort of wanted to return to engineering (especially after that high school math teacher experience), but I was not really prepared for what God had in store for me.
In September of 2007, I received a message from ExxonMobil stating that they wanted to fly me to Houston for an interview. I was so caught off-guard that I did not even return the call for a couple of weeks. But finally Gary and I decided to give it a shot because sometimes God opens doors that only He can open. Within a couple of weeks, I was in Houston at the interview when they gave me a job offer on site (even though I hadn’t been in engineering for about five years). As I sat there staring at this six-figure income, I thought,
“Wow. That’s interesting.”
After all, I was only making $8,000 per year at that point.
But honestly, I was not overly enthusiastic as one would think. I mean, what about my routine? And the house we lived in? And the fact that Gary had always had a ban on Houston (which is a major reason I left engineering to begin with)? And let’s not forget that when I graduated from Texas A&M with my first degree, Exxon was the last company I wanted to pursue for a career.
“Wow. That’s interesting.”
When the rest of the offer was delivered to our home, and they were offering to buy our home from us, pack & move all of our stuff for us, and provide a hefty bonus just for signing this piece of paper, Gary and I just looked at each other. We thought,
“Wow. That’s interesting.”
Because we were still saying, “God, if this is what you want, please make it crystal clear, like you’re talking to a little baby. Make it clear.” And, from that point on, Gary made no more money in his career in real estate. So, we were left with this opportunity vs. an annual income of $8,000. And would you believe that the choir the very next Sunday sang, “You’ve Got to Move”?
So, after much hem-hawing around, we accepted the offer, which started a huge upheaval for our family as we prepared to move from Knoxville to Houston, shifting roles to where I would be the sole breadwinner and Gary would be…. a stay-at-home dad. Our two oldest children were 4 and 1 at the time.
About six weeks into this new lucrative career, I started to feel a heavy weight hanging on my heart. My job description changed rather quickly to where I was working from before dawn to after dusk, with the added bonus of being on call the rest of the time. It was a dark time for me in many ways. I felt icy talons of sorrow grip my heart as my life sank into darkness, empty from my family, and void of the deep spiritual intimacy I had felt with God in previous times. I longed to be with my family. I longed to feel God’s STRONG presence in my life. My family could not count on me to be home for supper. Many times, I wasn’t even home for bath time. And, I couldn’t stand it as I heard the pitter-patters across the floor that were fading all too fast for me. One night, I broke down in Gary’s arms saying, “I’m not ready for this stage to be over. Please let me just weep about our decision to not have any more children.” The first of miracles occurred here, for, even though Gary was now the overwhelmed stay-at-home dad, he said, “Now wait just a minute. It might be okay to have another child…” And thus, we ended up with a Texan in our family.
Now I not only had my career responsibilities to deal with, but now I had… morning sickness – in the evenings when I had so little time already with my family! Day in and day out I continued over the course of the summer, feeling like an utter and complete failure. I wasn’t there for my family. I felt like a total FAILURE as a mom and as a wife. What’s more, I wasn’t an enthusiastic engineer. I felt like I was doing a terrible job with my job. I was a failure at home. I was a failure at work. As I wept to Gary in the darkness once again, “WHY DID I BRING US HERE?!? WHY DID I TEAR OUR FAMILY AWAY FROM ALL WE KNEW AND LOVED?!?” Gary whispered, “You did NOT bring us here. God did.” As a stay-at-home dad, Gary probably had a whole lot more to weep about than I did, but God strengthened him to be such a rock in my life – to keep pointing me to THE ROCK that was in control. My relationship with my husband grew exponentially that year.
About 1 year into the “Great Sorrow of Absenteeism,” Levi was born. Those weeks were so precious! I savored the moments of just being there. I was home for supper every night (AND breakfast and lunch!). I could help with getting them washed and ready for bed. Saving a company one million dollars did nothing in comparison to the feeling of being MomMom once again.
After about 8 weeks, I returned to work part-time, but only to finish up a project before taking an extended leave of absence, during which time God “sealed the deal” for me.
During this whole time – the daily dose of feelings of failure, God was changing me. You see, it wasn’t about the job. It wasn’t about things turning out the way I had expected them to turn out. It wasn’t about finding fulfillment in a job God had provided. It was about my heart. God performed a miracle in my life, and it was the building of character within me. My heart was never prepared to just stay at home. Never. I was always seeking after academic or corporate gains of some sort. I always longed to be where I wasn’t. Now, I was finally fulfilled just where I was – at home. And I was finally prepared for Gary to return to working offshore – another thing I never was willing to face until after my one-year return to engineering! And, would you know that two months after I left ExxonMobil, God called us to homeschool our children? I mean, now I would really get to experience some failure! 🙂
Yes, we have many opportunities now to work through failure. There are times I feel like I don’t know what the world I’m doing (like when I was trying to organize the chaos, for example). And there are times I feel like a chicken with my head cut off (like the day before tutoring my first CC class). But through all of these things, I simply want to remind myself of the fact that
God can turn our biggest failures into His greatest successes.
For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:9