Oh, my.
As I was scrolling back through past emails in search of job descriptions of my former engineering and education careers, I came across a note I wrote as I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom. I’m not sure why, but I feel compelled to share it here as one of the most important Ebenezers of my life. Written in February of 2009, here are the words from a Mom’s heart, on why I would leave a rather lucrative career for a less-than-glamorous-but-eternally-important job of stay-at-home momhood.
————-
Dear Mom-to-Mom Moms,
I want to thank you for all the prayers that you’ve been praying for me and my family. I’m amazed at how God is working in our lives. The past year has been such a time of transformation for me. All of my life I’ve had some sort of career or educational pursuit and have never been able to let it all go to just be a stay-at-home mom. God has opened a door for Gary to re-enter the industry , and now it has been a time of soul-searching for me, since the door is still wide open for me to stay on my career path. So, the two aspects that I’ve been dealing with are: 1) pride and 2) fear.
I was telling our Mom-to-Mom group last week about how I’m struggling with the head vs. heart dilemma. I’ve wanted so badly to be at home with the kids for the past year and to be able to be more of a part of their education and to be involved in women’s ministries at church. But just as soon as this finally started to become a reality, my head started telling me, “Look at what you could become if you dedicated yourself to Exxon…” or “You could have such an impact in corporate America…”or “What will people think if you walk away…?” I’ve been asking God to give me a word – some sort of affirmation – and I wanted to share this with you: On the way home from work, right after praying that God would speak to me tonight, I heard two songs on the radio, and the messages were:
“Time for a milestone, Time to begin again, Re-evaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow your will, or just climbing aimlessly over these hills? …Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but I believe, you’re up to something bigger than me….”
and
“Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition and the poison of my pride.”
Then, what another mom said to me tonight was so profound and pivotal for me. That someone would be so honest with me and let me know how crazy I am for wanting to pursue corporate life when I have three children – my legacy – waiting for me at home. To give that up in pursuit of selfish ambition would be my greatest regret in life.
This brings me to the other issue of fear, which is exactly what our Esther study was about this week. I was asked yesterday why I feel such a need to strive forward and excel. Much of it stems from losing my father at an early age and seeing what it did to my mother. I’ve always wanted to be independent so that the same fate would not befall me. And so, when the pride has not been eating away at me, it’s been questions like, “What if something were to happen to Gary?”, “What if I am a terrible stay-at-home mom and all I do is lose my temper all day long?”, “What if it’s better for their daddy to stay at home with them?” What if, what if, what if….
In this whole process, it didn’t take me long to forget Who brought us down here to Houston to begin with – Who opened the door for me to re-enter the industry – Who elevated me to the position I’ve been in for the past year. It’s the same One who has elevated Gary to the best position/salary he’s ever had, even after taking a year off to be a stay-at-home dad . God has been so good, and He just wants me to put my complete and total trust in Him.
Why in the world did I write this? I don’t know. But I feel that God wanted me to work out my issues on paper and share them with you. I just want to thank you for the part you’ve played in all of this – I really do feel so undeserving yet so grateful for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being someone I can share my struggles with without being judged. And most of all, thank you for your diligence in never ceasing to pray for me.
Love,
Brandy
————-
This was one of the hardest decisions of my life. It still proves to be a hard decision from time to time (and sometimes more often than that). But… if you’re wondering how the story unfolds, it’s simply this:
I wouldn’t change it for all the world. I’m so thankful for what the Lord has done for me.
What’s your Ebenezer? Raise your Ebenezer Stone by leaving a comment to share your own stories! It will encourage others to hear your testimony, and it will exalt the One who works all things together for our good!